I have often wondered what normal means, I feel "normal" most of the time but there are times, moments, hours, sometimes days where I wonder if my perception of what is normal matches that of others. Does it even matter? Aren't we all made to be different? Different gifts, talents, skills? I am bad at math but excel in science, is that normal? My recent questions regarding my normalcy has to do with certain gifts that I have... I am a Psychic Medium.
I cannot pin point the exact time I realized I had this gift but I do know I did not always consider it a gift, more often than not, I thought I was so different, so strange, that I was filled with panic and anxiety trying to block it out. One of my first memories of fear was not over spiders or snakes but over the people that were coming out of my closet each night, the ones that no one else could see. Even as I write this I fear it sounds crazy. Definitely NOT normal. Each night, I would beg and cry to sleep with my parents, it was almost impossible to console me, I simply hated being left alone. It was as if I was a lighthouse for the dead, they flocked to me and I retreated. I did not understand what I saw, it terrified me. When I was 8 my family moved into a very spiritually active home. I know there were Indigenous people on the grounds, also a great many suicides. I wish so very much that someone would have given me any answers or ideas on what was going on in my room each night, but no one either knew or at the least, knew how to explain it. I would bundle myself in blankets, head to toe, often not being able to breathe that well myself, just to escape them. It did not work. One of the best days of my life was when I was given a television as a gift, I kept that t.v. on at night, it distracted my mind. I also remember my "imaginary" friends, they stuck around much longer than a normal (my favorite word) child's would. I still have a few I speak with even today. Things began to recede a bit when I went away to boarding school as a teenager, but every weekend when I came home, I could not stand to be in my home alone. When asked if I thought or think today that my house was haunted I have to say no. I am haunted, not the house.
Today I do not see the dead as I once did. My gift has changed, it has morphed into something less scary, and more audible than visual. I still see Spirit, but even now it is like a movie in my mind not being acted out in front of me. I still sleep with noise or distraction around me, the quiet is too quiet, too inviting. I think somewhere along the line I morphed into a more psychic path than the path of a medium simply due to fear. I have both gifts but being psychic is far less frightening for me than seeing the dead. Always and forever empathic, I can walk into any room or even just hear a persons voice and know their every emotion. At times it does become quite overwhelming and I have to actively work on not being reclusive. I do not fear my emotions as much as those around me. I also pick up and at times assume the emotions of others, so if a person is ill or stressed, so am I. When I leave that situation, I am now able to recognize it for what it is. Before I was not so lucky and would become mired in trying to fix everyone else. Yes, I am empathetic but NO, I do not want to feel your pain! Not only is it distracting from my own personal growth but it simply is not healthy to be such a sponge of emotion, both good and bad. It can be very addictive. You need not be psychic to do that though, many people call it by other names, co-dependent has become a popular word, but what I feel is so much more. It is a true assumption of the other persons emotions, I loose my own.
Now at 40, I am fairly comfortable with myself as long as I use only my life as measurement of Normalcy. I have meet other Psychic Mediums whose gifts vary widely. No ones experience truly matches another, although there are similarities between us. Some of us see angels, Spirits, aura's, symbols, the amount and experience varies just as widely as any professions would. We hear and smell things differently, we may get information from touch, sound, or prayer. We may all see the elephant but even if we stand in the same spot, we will each see things differently. My biggest concern is being wrong. There is not a whole lot of room for error in what I do. I speak to people when they are at their lowest points of life, I want my information to be comforting and above all else accurate. When I work on criminal cases it is imperative that I give detailed and correct information, thousands of dollars are spent on searches, peoples emotions and futures are at stake, I do not take that lightly at all. Even a personal reading on love, work or children needs to be thoughtful and uplifting. One absolute truth that I know is that nothing ever stays the same. The highs fade, the lows ebb, life, even is stale for years will throw us a curve ball when we least expect it. And for me, there are simply times I get no information about something or someone, no feeling, no guidance, nothing. For me, I know that means one of two things, either I need to experience this for myself or I should run far, far away from it. The two could not be further apart and I, at times, need to know how to handle it in a second. Sometimes, my information is totally 100% different than someone else! That is very frustrating. All I can ever do is give what I see and let the person I am telling it to make the choice for themselves. Am I ever wrong, yes. Those are the times when the message wasn't that clear and I forced it anyway. Or, one time, and this was a HUGE lesson for me, I read the situation entirely wrong. That is why I ask for all the help I can get before I do a reading, help from my guides, guardians,angels, ancestors, and God. And then I learn from it. I also know that what I saw or said wasn't necessarily wrong, simply my fallible interpretation.
People often ask me what it is exactly that I do. I have a hard time answering this because although I know what I do, putting it into words is almost impossible. Try to explain a color, it is impossible. I like to say it is a knowing, a belief that is so embedded in me and proven to be more right than wrong, that I am comfortable with the title of Psychic Medium. It certainly isn't rocket science but I wish that there was a more scientific approach to this. I know many of us have been studied at length, credited and discredited, attacked and embraced often by the same group of people. That never bothered me much. One big misconception which I hope is improving with time, is that we are all nutty devil worshiping New Age weirdo's. A few of us are, but the majority of us do not fit into that wheel house. The majority of us do not even believe in a devil as a little red man holding a pitch fork! As for tools, I personally do not use tarot cards or pendulums, although if you do, kudos to you! Psychics and Mediums are more like counselors or therapist for the soul, when you hear the truth, your truth, it just feels right. Many of us do not practice tradition religion although and you would be very hard pressed to find even one of us that considered them self an atheist. We see and know too much to think we are alone here. In that same accord we often practice more world inclusive and ever loving and growing expansive spirituality. We are forever Gnostic in our search for answers. And as I said earlier, most of our gifts are ever evolving, I no longer hold the dogmas of my youth. I am more understanding of others, much much more tolerant. Judgement is not my forte, neither is anger. More of us are women than men, but that may simply be because it has traditionally been a female run profession. I know of several wonderful male psychic mediums, they are wonderful people, devoted to making this world a better place. We have specialties as well. Mine are remote viewing, giving messages from those that have died, empathetic reading, seeing the past, and future as well as life coaching. I am horrible with dates! Do not ask me what specific day something will happen, I just know that it will. I have a spirit guide, he is a young male, that has been with me forever. When I meditate, he helps me. But just with everything, this evolves too. I know I have other guardian angels and entities around me, I can sense them often. I also cherish the feminine Divine, for me she is compassion and love, karma and forgiveness rolled up in one. I am not as comfortable with the male Divinity although I am certain it exist. A wonderful book has been written about this by one of the pioneers in my field, Sylvia Browne. Her book 'If You Could See What I See, The Tenets of Novus Spiritus', has been a wonderful tool book for my life. It works for me, I never push my religious beliefs onto another, but Sylvia's books have spoken to what I feel is truth for me. Much like Sylvia Browne teaches, take what you like and leave the rest behind, is my tenet for life. What works for me may not work for you and vice versa. We each must take that trip to Spirit alone, much like death, it will find you in the end.
I want to end this for now with an assurance of what lies past the world we are now in. Please know that death is a wonderful bliss filled place, full of God and peace and happiness. Not that we should be in any type of hurry to get there, but whatever you feel comfortable calling heaven, please know that it is more wonderful than any bit of human imagination or words can express. I have counseled many people after a loved one has passed and every bit of information I have been given has been positive. I have also died myself, although briefly, and it was the most joyous event. I like to say that "I got it" when I died and I really truly did. I got that we all choose to come down here, we choose our life, our experiences to grow and learn. Somewhere along the way though we get very tied up in the process of living and any glimpses of the loving place we come from fades. Those few precious moments when my heart no longer beat I had a foot in both worlds and it was simply delicious. I was angry and complacent for a while when I was brought back (a very common experience described by those who have a near death experience, we don't want to come back!), because I saw what I was missing at home. Home to me was heaven, the experience of death was a pain only left for the living. Not that I loved those still here any bit less, I just saw how wonderful it was on the other side and just how much we can get distracted while doing our work, whatever it may be, the short time we are on earth. So if you are currently dealing with grief I want to you know without a doubt that those that are no longer here beside us are so very close always and YES, they are more than OK, they are in HEAVEN!
